ME AND JANET

May 07, 2026

by Rusty W. Mitchum

I thought y’all might like to see some conversations between my wife and me.

Janet called me just a little while ago.

“I’m picking up a few groceries,” she said. “Do you need me to get anything for you?”

“Uh…yeah,” I said. “I’m out of sardines and smoked oysters. Pick me up some, please.”

“Aww!” she whined. “I don’t want anyone seeing me buy that stuff.”

“Hey! I’ve bought some ladies’ junk for you before you know.”

She sighed. “Okay. What kind do you want?”

“The kind in a flat tin can,” I replied. I could hear her rollin’ her eyes.

“What brand?” she asked through what sounded like gritted teeth.

“Northern Catch on the oysters. They’re purdy good, plus they don’t sell ‘em in California.”

“What does that have to do with it?” she asked.

“‘Cause they probably have somethin’ in ‘em that makes ‘em taste better. Probably the smoke. Californians are not real big on smoke, you know.” It got really quiet. “You still there?”

Another sighed. “Unfortunately,” she said. Then she growled, “What about the sardines?”

“King Oscar,” I said. “Oh, yeah and make sure it just says sardines. I don’t want none that have mustard or tomato sauce or any foo-foo stuff. I’ll put my own mustard or stuff on ‘em if I want to.”

“That all?”she asked.

“Oh yeah, make sure it says the sardines are in virgin olive oil. I don’t want any in any slutty olive oil.” It got really quiet again. Then I heard the call click off.

I don’t know about y’all, I have a feelin’ I ain’t gettin’ no sardines or oysters.

———-

Janet and I climbed into the Jeep a little while ago and my door didn’t close all the way. I didn’t notice it until the little warnin’ bell started dingin’.

“What’s that?” asked Janet.

“A bell,” I answered.

“I know it’s a bell. What’s it doing?”

“Ringin’,” I replied. I looked over at her. She had her head tilted and she was givin’ me her half-closed eyelid look.

She sighed really big and said through gritted teeth, “What is causing it to ring?”

“You know,” I said, “I’m really not for sure, but I think they must have a little bitty feller in there hittin’ it with a hammer.” I then smiled at her.

She turned back toward her door and mumbled, “I sure wish I had a hammer. I wouldn’t stop hammering until they dragged me off in handcuffs.”

———-

"Hey," I said to Janet. "Tell me if I'm wrong……….."

"You're wrong, " she said quickly.

"Wait. You didn't let me finish."

"Take my word for it," she said. "You're wrong."

———-

I was readin’ some news on the internet when I ran across a headline.

“Hey, listen to this!” I said to Janet. “Florida woman shoots partner after argument over his snorin’.”

“Really?” she said. “What did they do to her?”

“It doesn’t say.”

Janet looked up in thought and then said, “Keep me posted.”

———-

Janet came out to the shop lookin’ for me. I was bent over with my hand in a bucket of water. I looked up as she walked in.

“Thought I had better come check and see if you were still alive,” she said.

“So far,” I replied.

“What are you doin’ in that bucket?”

“Nothin’. I just branded my hand and I’m coolin’ it in the water.”

“You branded yourself? On purpose?”

“Of course not. I’m not an idiot, you know.”

She lowered her head and peered over her glasses and gave me “the look.” Then she walked over to me and said, “Here, let me see.”

Before I could pull my hand out, she hollered. “Oh my gosh! Rusty, that water is green! And it has sludge on top! What do you use it for?”

“I use it to cool off hot steel when I’m through beatin’ on it.”

“And you stuck your hand in it?”

“Well, I figured if it could cool off hot steel, it could cool off hot skin.”

“My gosh! It has algae in it!”

“Helps with the healin’ process,” I said. “See.” I pulled my hand out. There were strings of slime hangin’ from my fingertips.”

“Uuuugack,” Janet gagged.

“Hey, hand me that red rag right there, will ya?” I said as I pointed with a slime drippin’ finger.”

“Uuuugack,” Janet heaved.

I flicked my hand and one of the strings flew off. It was spinnin’ through the air in slow motion, like a rubbery baton. Finally, it hit the wall…….and stuck.

“Welp,” I said. “Looks like it's done.”

“Uuuugack,” Janet heaved again and headed for the door. She stopped, took a few deep breaths, wiped her eyes, and turned and looked at me.

“There is something seriously wrong with you,” she said and then added, “Oh yeah, and you are definitely an idiot.” Then she left.

Women are such strange creatures.